Be warned.... this blog post is not for the easily offended. It's raw and unplugged.....complete and total naked honesty. Try to love me anyway.
SOME TOP THINGS SINGLE PEOPLE HATE TO HEAR:
1. "We're having FAMILY time first, but you can come over later." (Why don't people realize that we aren't out to STEAL your family?..... Would it be so hard to just let us be a part of it?)
2. When you go out with your married friends and they're seated before you.... "oh here... just pull up a chair on the end." (Yeah, because I REALLY love sticking out on the end. If you only KNEW how many times we get stuck on the end, because everyone has coupled up.)
3. "We have to protect the FAMILY UNIT." (From what?? Us single people who have nothing better to do than destroy you???)
4. "When are you going to get married?" (If I KNEW that, don't you think I would be planning?)
5. "We're having a card party, but it's for couples only." (I guess it takes a ring on your finger to know how to play.... I didn't know that.)
6. "You just haven't found that SPECIAL someone yet, have you?" (Why, yes, I have actually.... I just keep him locked up during the day.... DUH.)
7. "I'm sure there are some SINGLES groups out there you can join and make some friends." (Why? Because singles can't make friends with married people??)
8. "How come you haven't gotten married yet?" (Oh, I don't know....I'd rather just let life pass me by, I guess.)
9. "Well, being single just means you have more time to devote to the church." (or be USED up by the church).
10. "You just have to get close to God and be satisfied.... let HIM be your husband." (LAME.)
11. "You should be GLAD you're single..." (mmmkay..... say that again when you spend your days and nights alone... when the phone NEVER rings.... when no one EVER knocks on your door.)
12. This isn't something we hear, but rather something we'd like to say.... "Get a room!!" Seriously... do you really think we want to see couples who ABSOLUTELY can't be separated.... who can't keep their hands off of each other..... can't stop slobbering on each other?? Please... can't we just be people in public and leave the other stuff in the bedroom where it belongs?
How about these from the church....
12. "Family Night Worship.....geared towards families." (Great. Guess that means I shouldn't go. Why can't we be church.... geared towards people worshipping God together?)
13. "We want all the families to come up together. Singles, just find a group you can join." (YES, it really happens. A lot. And it's extremely humiliating.)
14. "Please get together and sit with your families." (Same as above, find a group you can join.)
15. "You just have to BELIEVE God to find you a spouse. Make a list of the qualifications you want met and pray every day, believe every day......blah blah blah. (Seriously, how weird can you get?? If formulas like that really worked, don't you think more people would be happily married?)
So, okay... if you're single, then you've probably heard these phrases enough times to predict precisely when they will fall clumsily out of someone's mouth. I know countless numbers of single people who are being hurt.... BADLY.... SO BADLY.... by comments like you just read. I don't think people do it intentionally, but I REALLY wish I could go around the world and teach some stinking sensitivity.
You wouldn't constantly talk about your brand new baby in front of someone who just lost one, would you? Or how about talking about how much you love your job in front of someone who has just lost theirs? Think about it!! Don't get me wrong here, if you're happily married, I'm happy for you, but seriously, can't we just be HUMANS together? Do we really HAVE to be so divided?
Despite a well put on facade of "I'm fine", most single people are lonely, miserable.... hoping beyond hope that someone will think of them as a PERSON, not something from the alien species known as Singleous Loserous.
Here's a thought to ponder.... God didn't wake up one day and say to Himself, "Gee, I think I'll create a Married person," or "Hey, I think I'll make a Single today". My Bible says He created man in His own image. Yes, He created woman to become one with man, but He FIRST AND FOREMOST created us to be huuuuuman..... H*U*M*A*N.
And hey, did you know that, even though we're not married, we still know stuff? We're capable of contributing to a discussion, even if....GASP.... there are married people around? I know, I know... you're detecting my sarcasm, aren't you? And gosh, I was really trying to hide it.
So, I admit it.... I am struggling. SERIOUSLY struggling. The scary thing is, so are 90% of single people.... they just choose to be silent and write in their journals, rather than embarrass themselves by opening up (I apparently don't possess such wisdom). They don't WANT to be singled out anymore. They don't WANT to be labeled as pathetic... "Oh, you poor, poor dear...... all alone with nobody to love."
I am soooooooo very, very tired of being labeled as less of a person just because I don't have a husband or kids. I want to be treated like a HUMAN... like I have even a tiny bit of value, even though I'm not married.... like I'm worth something and have a purpose other than to find a mate.
Please don't consider this an attack on marriage.... PLEASE don't. And please don't lecture me for writing an angry post, or on the importance of being content where I am. Just think about the words you've read. Think about single people as just that.... PEOPLE. Someone close to you could be hurting deeply, and you may not even know it.
10 comments:
You know, except for the fact that this masked a lot of pain, I found many of the comments you made to be hilarious. I'm not single, but I think people behave the same way towards people who aren't yet parents....However, I have to tell you, the family & marriage discrimination happens much more in church than outside of the church. I know happy single people, but they're not religious.....
Of course I know single people outside of the church who are also unhappy, but the reality is that the church emphasizes marriage and children as the only path to being a "grown-up." And the church needs to be indicted for being so pig-headed about that.
The thought of being single again sometimes appeals to me. But only when I am thinking of the extreme independence it offers. However, when I think of it without my rose-colored glasses, it is the extreme independence that makes it not so appealing.
I would love, love, love for you to have the love of your life right now. Not because it would make you “better”. But because you are so precious, and I think you deserve to experience all that life has to offer. And you will be a fantastic wife with your complete and total “nakedness”. ;)
Thank you for your honesty. The church could learn a lot from you. Maybe I will send it to my Pastor anonymously.
as a married person, i also just like to be known as ME. and yes devoted to our spouses is good, but doing things independent should still be ok, Thank you for sharing, sometimes we just assume you are chooing single life or loving it or hating it or whatever we assume because we wouldn't want to ask and offend, and not being there and not knowing we do need to think and be more loving including and sensitive. I also with your permission have someone i would like to share this with. with Gods Love, janelle
I think this is why singles who aren't religious probably find better ways to get in community of some kind. Christians really segregate in most churches. I know they are trying to reach the "whole" family, but it really does get tiring.
Now, imagine that you're married but your husband doesn't want to do anything with "family" stuff? Where do you fit in church things then? Where do you find community? It drives me nutty.
That is a VERY good question. I wish I had an intelligent answer, but I don't. Why has the church.... the place that's supposed to draw people in.... pushed so many away? It's so sad. It's no wonder so many people don't want anything to do with Christians. Oy.
And I have to wonder.... what DOES Jesus think of us representing Him? Gosh....
I think that everyone has areas in their life where the insensitivity of other people stings. The items you mention are insensitive, but I bet that most of them aren't meant in malice. They're just thoughtless things. I *try* to remember that when I'm hit in my soft spots by insensitive actions or comments (and often fail!).
As for the Church being only set up for families, I know it doesn't have to be true, and I don't think it's universally true. A lot of the specific things you mention aren't a part of the Catholic culture (at least here on the border)--consecrated single life is part of the mix. There is an emphasis on marriage and family being one path to holiness, but not the only path, by any means. The other paths, of religious life and consecrated single life are also emphasized.
But, I've talked to single people here and the city we live in is very family oriented, which makes it hard for single adults to "break in" socially. Reading your post and talking to other single people in my life has opened my eyes to ways to be more sensitive to ALL of those around me.
I think the million dollar question for Christians is always "what DOES Jesus think of us representing Him?" as you state.
PS I wasn't saying that you should change your feelings about people's insensitivities. It just brought to mind my own soft spots about my place in life at the moment.
Tact is so much not the strong point of many people... (me included, I'm sure)
Tab
i'm sorry you were so hurt. it broke my heart how angry you were, though i do understand why. you are loved michelle. i sometimes just don't know how to love you. thanks for shareing your honesty with me and the others. we have a lot to learn. rhoda
I just stumbled upon your blog today and your posts, especially this one have me laughing... thank you!! I totally relate to everything you say... I'm one of those "single aliens" too (although dating- sort of), and I'm proud to call myself weird! My favorite "singled out" comment came from my church on Mother's Day... during the announcements, our priest asked all the Mom's to come forward to be recognized... this left me and a nun sitting in the pews- I seriously wanted to crawl under the pew and die. Anyway- thanks for the laughs... I'll be checking back often!
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