Use Me Till I'm All Used Up...

Do you ever have those times when you need a supernatural word to describe how you're feeling? By supernatural, I mean a word that hasn't yet been invented. A word that's BIG enough to describe the intensity of emotions roaring through your body. I need these kinds of words when my skin confines me to humanness.... when I really want to just crawl out of that skin, toss it aside and be completely emancipated and celestial.

That's the kind of word I need to describe how I feel about the next few paragraphs....

I know a man who is a pastor here in Minnesota. He went to school to be a pastor. His livelihood, the church. His heart, the people. Several years ago, this pastor was diagnosed with throat cancer that landed him with, among other things, a permanent trach tube. He carries with him a small white board to write on, because the cancer also took nearly all of his speaking ability, and left him with not much more than groans.

I confess, it makes me angry to think about such a thing. WHY that?? WHY his voice... his passion... his heart...? Why? As a professing follower of Christ, I have been religiously trained to never ask why, but to trust. I have been told countless times, in various dialects of Christianese, that God's ways are bigger than our ways. While that's true, I've really never been good at not asking questions, so I DO ask why. However, I also trust that God is big enough and gentle enough to handle my doubts and fears, my questions, my humanness in its silliest form. If He's not big enough to handle ALL of that, then why trust in Him at all?

But, I digress...

This man was a GREAT pastor with powerful, meaningful sermons, but when he became one of the physically "un-pretty" people, he was, in a sense, tossed aside by the powers that be. As in, "well, you have this issue now, you know, so I guess there's really no place for you in the church. It's awkward and so.... um... bye."

His livelihood.... gone. Just like that.

Since all of this happened to him, he has been rejected in more ways than most people I know. My heart breaks when I see him, and I am moved, sometimes to tears, when I think about all he has lost. But you know what's strange? You will never see him without a smile on his face, and eyes that are illuminated with love for everyone around him.

He recently got involved in a ministry at the church I work for - a ministry involving caring for people who are receiving care through the local hospital - and his eyes light up with fervent excitement when he is called on to visit and pray with someone.

In a recent conversation with him, one of my co-workers was expressing her concern about calling on him too often, over-working him and wearing him out. His bout with cancer has left him with multiple health issues, and she wanted to be very aware and respectful of that fact.

What he said back to her was a simple, yet powerful statement, "Use me till I'm all used up."

(Insert supernatural word here.)

Use me till I'm all used up.............

In my religious experiences, I have discovered that the church universal is full of beautiful people with "nice, sensible" haircuts, tailored suits and the perfect shade of lipstick. They are eloquent, they are studied and have their various degrees from theological schools and doctrate programs. (Don't mistake my intention here, I think degrees are fine, and if you want a "sensible" haircut and a neutral-coloured lipstick, I say go for it! My intention is not to be judgmental or hypocritical in that way.) They fuss and fidget until the "new" Christians are conformed to the correct image of what a church person should look and act like. I know of many, many churches that even require a strict kind of dress if you want to step one foot on their platform.

But, ooooooh boy.......... DARE I step out on this shaky little limb?? So often, the "beautiful" people are SO busy running the church business, making the decisions about who can and can't take a leadership role, even deciding when one is "qualified" and has it "together" enough to do any kind of ministry at all, that they forget about who they're supposed to serving. Man-pleasers..... let's make things real pretty so people will like our church, our building, our leaders. Sometimes I wonder, if Jesus walked into our churches and asked to teach, would he be pushed to the back row until he could get his act together?

No, it's not this way in all churches, and I think (and hope) people are starting to see through the pharisitical, pompous attitudes, and get down to the dirty, wash-your-feet kind of ministry. But it is this way a lot of the time, and my question is, of course, WHY? WHY do we push the "uglies" out of the way to kiss the rings of the beautiful?

Okay, so enter my pastor friend. On the outside, he's not beautiful. His colour isn't quite right, his head is permanently tilted downward. He has no eloquent voice with which to deliver the perfectly fluctuated ten-minute sermon, and he can't really wear a tie anymore, due to the trach tube that protrudes from his neck. But I can tell you that this man is more like Jesus would want us to be than nearly anyone I know. He doesn't appear to care about being pretty, or official. He doesn't allow the communication challenge to stop him from doing exactly what God would want him to do..... care for His people. His heart is right.

Now, I try not to make a habit of randomly quoting scriptures just to back up my own opinions, as they are just that.... opinions. However, this man's life has deeply impacted me, and I am reminded of I Corinthians 1:27 (you should read the whole context - it's really good), "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

I have to wonder who really is doing the greater "ministry", the beautiful seat-filled churches, with leaders in matching outfits and glossy shoes, or the humble man writing on his little white board, "Use me till I'm all used up"....

It's not mine to judge, but I know I personally can pray with abandon, "God, make me the most foolish of the fools, so that YOU can be glorified for who YOU are, not for who I am."

*shrug*