Unappreciated Oranges

I had a very interesting conversation with someone today. Here's an excerpt:


******************************************************

Them: I often feel like.... I do a lot to show people I care about them and if that isn't enough... They are expecting more of me, or something different than what I have..... I don't know... That seems not very nice. If I give almost all of my oranges to someone and they say "but I want apples" you know? I don't have apples. And now should I feel bad that I don't have apples?

Me: But what if oranges really aren't their thing?

Them: Then I guess I keep my oranges if nobody wants them. And they will just sit here and rot.

Me: Would you be willing to go buy apples? Wouldn't you rather give them apples if that's truly their favourite? Not because it's your thing, but because it's their thing?

Them: If I had an orchard of apples I would give them all but that is not what I have. They don't grow here. So, I can give everything I have.... forever... and it will never be good enough. Because oranges aren't good enough.

Me: No. I think it's a language thing. If you speak oranges, and I speak apples, then I really want to try to learn to speak orange. Because that's who YOU are.

Them: But it isn't how it goes. Everyone is always harassing me about all the apples I don't have. I know it isn't on purpose.... I know everyone wants apples.... And I feel constantly that my oranges are under appreciated... I do try to be better all the time...

******************************************************

This conversation is between me and someone that I love dearly. Someone who loves me dearly, but speaks a different language than I speak. It gave me a new and interesting perspective on some things.

Now, I don't normally buy into a lot of psycho-babble, but there is something to be said for Gary Chapman's concept of the Five Love Languages, and this is a prime example.

We do love each other in different "languages", don't we? My language is Quality Time, while my friend here clearly speaks Acts of Service. This person will show love to me by DOING something for me (giving me oranges). What's strange is, that unless I learn and accept how THEY show love, I have the potential to feel frustrated and empty ("But I want apples"). Then, of course, they will feel frustrated, because their "oranges are unappreciated."

None of us want to feel insecure or unloved. It's a terrible feeling. I believe these feelings might be minimized if we learn the other person's language. It would do us good to understand that, even though they may not hand us a bushel of apples, they are selflessly giving us every orange they have. And to them, that's the biggest sacrifice of love they can give.

So. Next time someone "hands you an orange", try not to gripe because it isn't an apple. Smile and know that they are speaking love to you in their own language.

Just a thought....

You should also consider reading The Five Languages of Apology. It is also a fantastic resource for understanding each other better.