His sign reads, "Homeless. Hungry. Anything helps. God bless." He regularly stands on the corner of 2nd street in the freezing winter. I've driven past him nearly every day for months now, and I still don't know his name. Today, I noticed that his gloves don't match, and it got me thinking (I know, I know, it's always scary when I start thinking!) about how people treat him.
I wonder...
When they drive by, do they sit in their warm vehicles and avoid making eye contact with him? Do they look at him and shake their heads in judgmental disgust, and snarl about how he should go out and get a job? Do they criticize him because he smokes, and he's wasting his money on that "nasty habit" when he could be spending the money on food?
I wonder...
Do they feel compassion for him and hand him money? Do they ever give him food? And if they do give him food, is it in a can? Because food in a can wouldn't do any good if you don't have a can opener. Does it have to be heated? It would be terribly hard to heat something with no oven. Is it something he likes? Has anyone ever asked him what he likes? Maybe he doesn't like bologna. Or maybe he's allergic to peanuts. Maybe he's a vegetarian.
Oh... but wait.... beggars can't be choosers, right? He should be grateful for what he gets.... right? If he's going to be lazy and not work, then he doesn't have the right to choose...... right?
Hmm. I wonder....
I wonder if we realize that he's not just a dirty fixture on the street corner. He's a person. A living, breathing person. God made this gentleman in His image, just like He did you and me. He cares deeply about his sorrows and his joys, just like He cares about ours. He loves him - like He loves us... mercifully and unconditionally... no matter what.... always.
I wonder if we stop to think that we have never walked in this man's shoes, and there's no way we could possibly know about his journey. Maybe he had a devastating blow in his life, and there was no one to help him through it. Maybe he's sick and trying to just make it. Maybe he lost his family to a tragedy. Or maybe he just likes standing on the corner. Who knows?
And then I wonder if we know that it's not our business to judge ANY of his life. At all.
I was having a conversation with a 14-year old the other day at the theatre. In that conversation, he was expressing his thoughts about love, and how if we would just LOVE each other - REALLY love each other - a lot of the problems in our world would be solved. He's right. Judging hurts. Love covers. Love seems the better, more Jesus-y option.
Whatever that means to you, do it. LOVE. Because, judging.... yeah... that's not our job.
February 25, 2011
January 27, 2011
Do We REALLY Make a Difference?
Joseph Johnson stands out on the side of the road nearly every single day and flashes the "Peace" sign to everyone driving by. American flag in one hand. Pepsi can in the other. Through every season, dressed for every holiday, he is faithfully there, waving away.One day, our former Vicar stopped and chatted with Joseph, and asked him why he does what he does. His response still warms my heart and makes me chuckle with affection. He told the Vicar that he flashes the "Peace" sign because he's spreading the peace of God.
"Oh yeah?" asked Vicar Seth. "Which god is that?"
"You know... the regular God. Jesus' Dad."
How can you not love that??
At first when I saw Joseph, I was simply amused and happy to wave back, but then something odd happened. That tiny little expression of selflessness became something I looked forward to every day. I would turn on to 2nd Street and begin scanning the area while I was still a block and a half away. If a little moving spec appeared in my vision, my groggy morning mood would lift immediately, and I would prepare to receive my portion of the "regular God's peace."
One day I drove by, and much to my horror, Joseph wasn't there.
"What?!?! Where IS he?!" I lamented. "Doesn't he KNOW I look forward to this every day??"
And right then was when I realized that this man, a complete stranger to me, had (and still has) a true impact on my life.
You wouldn't normally think much of it, would you? A man dressed in wild outfits and waving at people would maybe even elicit a snicker of mocking from some. However, Joseph's small gesture of selflessness has an impact far greater than he could ever know. He doesn't have to stand out there in the middle of winter when the windchill is 30 degrees below zero, or in the summer when the humidity is so thick you can practically eat it with a fork. But he does. And for no other reason than to spread some peace.
It is a mysterious thing to give of yourself just because you can. When you are selfless, you may be making a difference in someone's life and not even realize it. Take some time to think about it, but then make some time for action. Call someone. Wave. Write a letter. Smile. Be kind to someone who's having a bad day. Extend as much grace as you would hope to receive.
Make a difference.
November 13, 2010
Love and Acceptance? I Think NOT!
I don't like the modern day church's small group concept. I'm not talking about a small group of random people chatting it up about whatever.
I'm talking about these little criteria-based groups that the churches have decided to set up. Jesus NEVER talked about separating out into groups where you would have to meet certain criteria to attend. He DID talk about coming together, reasoning together. He DID talk about the older folks teaching the younger folks. He DID talk about UNCONDITIONAL love and acceptance. The churches have set up these structured, criteria-based groups that are supposed to be so great, and in the meantime, people are dying on the sidelines because they don't fit in!!
For example, just to keep it neutral, I'll use something silly....
Let's pretend there's a church that has a group for people with blue hair, a group for people with yellow hair, a group for people with green hair, a group for people with purple hair and a group for people with brown hair.
One day, Joe shows up at the church because he's going through a very difficult time, and is looking for answers... or support... or whatever.
But wait.... Joe has black hair..... what group does he join? Where does he find friends, love and acceptance? Because Joe doesn't meet the criteria for the other groups, he either has to separate off and form his own group for people with BLACK hair, or he gets left out. He can't just go to the purple hair group, because, well, that's for people with PURPLE hair.... and they want to talk about their purple hair, and what it's like to live with purple hair and have children with purple hair.
According to the small group segregation, because Joe doesn't have purple hair, not only does he NOT fit in, but apparently he has nothing in common with purple-haired people, and well, I guess that means he also has no valid input for people with purple hair. He cannot join their group.... he doesn't belong. And he certainly can't join the blue, yellow, green or brown hair groups either.
Sooooo..... Joe dies a little inside, because he just wants to be loved and accepted, but instead, he's been rejected. The place Joe is supposed to be able to run to and find unconditional love and acceptance is the very place he ends up running FROM because they've hurt him so bad.
WHERE IS JESUS IN THAT?
Jesus ate with everybody. He talked with everybody. He met with everybody. He didn't even allow his own disciples to keep small children away while he was teaching. He rebuked them for excluding the children.... let them come to me!.... What would he have to say about this criteria-based concept? I have to wonder if he would rant through our "temples" and overturn all the tables. I wonder how badly it breaks His heart to see how many people have walked in the doors of the church looking for hope, and walked out the same doors in complete hopelessness.
I know countless.... COUNTLESS "Joes" who cry themselves to sleep at night because they've been hurt so bad by this concept. I also know countless "Joes" who want nothing to do with organized religion (a.k.a., the modern-day church) AT ALL. They are the ones who see the hypocrisy of it all..... they are the ones who see that the Church's representation of Christ's TRUE unconditional love is nothing more than religious lip service.
People are hurting. People want to just be who they are, and not have to be separated out. We should care about THAT.
I'm talking about these little criteria-based groups that the churches have decided to set up. Jesus NEVER talked about separating out into groups where you would have to meet certain criteria to attend. He DID talk about coming together, reasoning together. He DID talk about the older folks teaching the younger folks. He DID talk about UNCONDITIONAL love and acceptance. The churches have set up these structured, criteria-based groups that are supposed to be so great, and in the meantime, people are dying on the sidelines because they don't fit in!!
For example, just to keep it neutral, I'll use something silly....
Let's pretend there's a church that has a group for people with blue hair, a group for people with yellow hair, a group for people with green hair, a group for people with purple hair and a group for people with brown hair.
One day, Joe shows up at the church because he's going through a very difficult time, and is looking for answers... or support... or whatever.
But wait.... Joe has black hair..... what group does he join? Where does he find friends, love and acceptance? Because Joe doesn't meet the criteria for the other groups, he either has to separate off and form his own group for people with BLACK hair, or he gets left out. He can't just go to the purple hair group, because, well, that's for people with PURPLE hair.... and they want to talk about their purple hair, and what it's like to live with purple hair and have children with purple hair.
According to the small group segregation, because Joe doesn't have purple hair, not only does he NOT fit in, but apparently he has nothing in common with purple-haired people, and well, I guess that means he also has no valid input for people with purple hair. He cannot join their group.... he doesn't belong. And he certainly can't join the blue, yellow, green or brown hair groups either.
Sooooo..... Joe dies a little inside, because he just wants to be loved and accepted, but instead, he's been rejected. The place Joe is supposed to be able to run to and find unconditional love and acceptance is the very place he ends up running FROM because they've hurt him so bad.
WHERE IS JESUS IN THAT?
Jesus ate with everybody. He talked with everybody. He met with everybody. He didn't even allow his own disciples to keep small children away while he was teaching. He rebuked them for excluding the children.... let them come to me!.... What would he have to say about this criteria-based concept? I have to wonder if he would rant through our "temples" and overturn all the tables. I wonder how badly it breaks His heart to see how many people have walked in the doors of the church looking for hope, and walked out the same doors in complete hopelessness.
I know countless.... COUNTLESS "Joes" who cry themselves to sleep at night because they've been hurt so bad by this concept. I also know countless "Joes" who want nothing to do with organized religion (a.k.a., the modern-day church) AT ALL. They are the ones who see the hypocrisy of it all..... they are the ones who see that the Church's representation of Christ's TRUE unconditional love is nothing more than religious lip service.
People are hurting. People want to just be who they are, and not have to be separated out. We should care about THAT.
August 19, 2010
Yo, Christians, What's Your Bible?
About nine years ago, I was at a women's conference with a friend of mine. During one of our breaks, my friend overheard some of the women from a local church talking about someone else.
"She really should dress her age," one of them snipped.
That comment, and the attitude that accompanied it, has been stuck in my head since that day (and by the way, criticizing the clothing preferences of others may not be a very effective way to attract people to your church - just sayin').
I listen every day to people talking about what others SHOULD do, and what others SHOULDN'T do. What's healthy, what's not healthy. What's appropriate, what's not appropriate. What's normal, what's not normal. More often than not, these standards are cited as facts, when they really aren't much more than opinions or personal preferences. Some of the most common things I hear in "fact" speeches are, "I was reading in this book, and it said....." or "I heard on the radio...." It makes me wonder, about Christians specifically, where we're getting our "facts." What has become our Bible?
Don't get me wrong, teachers are great, books are great, sermons are great. However, as professed followers of Jesus, we might consider comparing these "facts" we learn with what He and His Dad have to say. If they jive, great. If they don't, we could stand to study it a little deeper to find His truth for ourselves. If we don't do the work and learn for ourselves, it's not really even our knowledge to own.... is it? It's just.... well, borrowed. Hearsay. Beautified gossip.
I have a tendency to be a tad controversial at times (gasp. swoon. faint.), so it comes as no surprise that I challenge Christians with questions when they present a "fact" to me.
"Where did you hear that?"
"Where did you read that?
.... and my personal favourite....
"Show me where it says that in the Bible."
Strangely enough, most of the Christians I ask the latter of, can't do it, because it didn't come from THE Bible, but rather, some sort of churchy, religious teaching. YUCK. Not only that, but a lot of times, in comparison with the words of Jesus (you know.... that guy God sent down here to rescue us from death?), the "fact" is completely opposite of down and dirty, Biblical truth.
It's interesting, isn't it?
According to basic Christian beliefs, when our lives are over, we stand before God alone and account for our actions and lives. Therefore, we would be wise to make GOD'S Word our standard..... our.... um.... Bible. THE Bible, THE Word of God is.... "living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)
So.... what's your Bible?
Fashion magazines? Psychology books? Self-help books? Beth Moore Bible studies? Television or radio programs? Catechism? Blog sites like this one? Purpose driven church books? World renown author books?
Just something to think about.
By the way, I'm curious.... what DOES "dress her age" mean? Furthermore, I wonder what Bible gives the standards for this particular issue. It must be a different Bible than I've seen, as mine doesn't have a list of what you must wear when you turn certain ages. Don't take my word for it. Look it up for yourself.
*shrug*
"She really should dress her age," one of them snipped.
That comment, and the attitude that accompanied it, has been stuck in my head since that day (and by the way, criticizing the clothing preferences of others may not be a very effective way to attract people to your church - just sayin').
I listen every day to people talking about what others SHOULD do, and what others SHOULDN'T do. What's healthy, what's not healthy. What's appropriate, what's not appropriate. What's normal, what's not normal. More often than not, these standards are cited as facts, when they really aren't much more than opinions or personal preferences. Some of the most common things I hear in "fact" speeches are, "I was reading in this book, and it said....." or "I heard on the radio...." It makes me wonder, about Christians specifically, where we're getting our "facts." What has become our Bible?
Don't get me wrong, teachers are great, books are great, sermons are great. However, as professed followers of Jesus, we might consider comparing these "facts" we learn with what He and His Dad have to say. If they jive, great. If they don't, we could stand to study it a little deeper to find His truth for ourselves. If we don't do the work and learn for ourselves, it's not really even our knowledge to own.... is it? It's just.... well, borrowed. Hearsay. Beautified gossip.
I have a tendency to be a tad controversial at times (gasp. swoon. faint.), so it comes as no surprise that I challenge Christians with questions when they present a "fact" to me.
"Where did you hear that?"
"Where did you read that?
.... and my personal favourite....
"Show me where it says that in the Bible."
Strangely enough, most of the Christians I ask the latter of, can't do it, because it didn't come from THE Bible, but rather, some sort of churchy, religious teaching. YUCK. Not only that, but a lot of times, in comparison with the words of Jesus (you know.... that guy God sent down here to rescue us from death?), the "fact" is completely opposite of down and dirty, Biblical truth.
It's interesting, isn't it?
According to basic Christian beliefs, when our lives are over, we stand before God alone and account for our actions and lives. Therefore, we would be wise to make GOD'S Word our standard..... our.... um.... Bible. THE Bible, THE Word of God is.... "living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)
So.... what's your Bible?
Fashion magazines? Psychology books? Self-help books? Beth Moore Bible studies? Television or radio programs? Catechism? Blog sites like this one? Purpose driven church books? World renown author books?
Just something to think about.
By the way, I'm curious.... what DOES "dress her age" mean? Furthermore, I wonder what Bible gives the standards for this particular issue. It must be a different Bible than I've seen, as mine doesn't have a list of what you must wear when you turn certain ages. Don't take my word for it. Look it up for yourself.
*shrug*
January 29, 2010
How Often Do You Invalidate People?
I've been thinking about psychological invalidation lately. I know... one marvels at the thought that I could be thinking......I'm usually so lighthearted, right? ;o)
Anyway....
It concerns me how many of us think we have authority over the feelings of others. Even more concerning, is how many of us RELINQUISH our feelings to others because of invalidating statements that are made to us when we express them.
Christians are especially notorious for demanding that we not pay attention to how we feel, as (*said in a very religious voice*) "feelings are not always TRUTH!!" For example, if you feel bad about yourself, many times you are told to quote scripture to magically change that feeling, rather than to find the root of it and allow God to truly "set you free."
It's weird. It's a weird concept. Don't deal with it. Just say these words and they will make it go away. Yeah.....weird.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe God can transform your mind through His Word (among other things), but that's when HE is allowed to walk you through it, not when you're going through the systematic method that Christians have set up for you. I'm also not completely sold on psychoanalysis and all the "solutions" it provides, but it does bear some credibility in the fact that it lets you be....*GASP!*.... human.
Sooooo..... what does all this mean? Nothing, really. I'm just thinking. Hopefully, after you've read this, if you even make it to the end, you will be thinking, too. That's it. Just think about it.
THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT FROM EQI.ORG ...... A VERY INTERESTING WEBSITE
Examples of invalidating expressions.
Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.
"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself
Stop taking everything so personally
Ordering You to "Look" Differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.
Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable.
Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?
Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....
Debating
I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)
Judging & Labeling You
You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk.
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.
Turning Things Around
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Trying to Get You to Question Yourself
What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?
Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.
Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)
Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?
Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?
Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.
Talking About You When You Can Hear It
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.
Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.
Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It
Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago.
You should be over that by now.
Explanations
Maybe it is because...
That is because
Of course, because you.... (This one hurts four ways. First, the "of course" minimizes what you feel, second the "because" explains what you feel, as if explaining it nullifies the feeling, third the "you" blames you and fourth, blaming you is a form of attack which is likely to make you feel either defensive or guilt-tripped or both.)
Anyway....
It concerns me how many of us think we have authority over the feelings of others. Even more concerning, is how many of us RELINQUISH our feelings to others because of invalidating statements that are made to us when we express them.
Christians are especially notorious for demanding that we not pay attention to how we feel, as (*said in a very religious voice*) "feelings are not always TRUTH!!" For example, if you feel bad about yourself, many times you are told to quote scripture to magically change that feeling, rather than to find the root of it and allow God to truly "set you free."
It's weird. It's a weird concept. Don't deal with it. Just say these words and they will make it go away. Yeah.....weird.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe God can transform your mind through His Word (among other things), but that's when HE is allowed to walk you through it, not when you're going through the systematic method that Christians have set up for you. I'm also not completely sold on psychoanalysis and all the "solutions" it provides, but it does bear some credibility in the fact that it lets you be....*GASP!*.... human.
Sooooo..... what does all this mean? Nothing, really. I'm just thinking. Hopefully, after you've read this, if you even make it to the end, you will be thinking, too. That's it. Just think about it.
THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT FROM EQI.ORG ...... A VERY INTERESTING WEBSITE
Examples of invalidating expressions.
Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.
"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself
Stop taking everything so personally
Ordering You to "Look" Differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.
Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable.
Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?
Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....
Debating
I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)
Judging & Labeling You
You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk.
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.
Turning Things Around
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Trying to Get You to Question Yourself
What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?
Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.
Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)
Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?
Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?
Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.
Talking About You When You Can Hear It
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.
Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.
Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It
Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago.
You should be over that by now.
Explanations
Maybe it is because...
That is because
Of course, because you.... (This one hurts four ways. First, the "of course" minimizes what you feel, second the "because" explains what you feel, as if explaining it nullifies the feeling, third the "you" blames you and fourth, blaming you is a form of attack which is likely to make you feel either defensive or guilt-tripped or both.)
January 19, 2010
I Will Try Harder.... Will You?
The other day, my friend was driving me back to work after lunch and we got stopped at one of the downtown stoplights. I happened to glance across the street and I saw this lady I know heading down the sidewalk in her electric wheelchair. I thought, "oh, I know her," and didn't really think much about it until I realized that her chair wasn't really moving forward. As I gave it a more concentrated look, I realized that she was stuck, because the sidewalk hadn't been shoveled very well after the recent snow.
I said to my friend, "Awww....she's stuck!!" Neither one of us could do anything about it, as we were in the middle of downtown traffic. There was a guy walking towards her, clutching a McDonald's cup, and as we drove away in the cluster of busy vehicles, I hoped he would at least kick some of the snow out of the way, so she could go on with her day.
I have to wonder if she felt angry....hurt.... left to fend for herself, maybe? Did she, at that moment, or does she constantly wonder if anyone cares enough about her to make a little extra effort? How many times a day does she encounter similar situations? These questions, among others, went storming through my head like a monstrous tornado, sucking up my thoughts and spinning them about wildly. As the debris of imagination floated to the floor of my mind, I began picking up the pieces of my own story.
You see, at about this time five months ago, my mother and my best friend were in my room at St. Mary's Hospital playing Cribbage, while I was sound asleep recovering from back surgery . A "simple" surgery had turned out to be very complicated, and kept me in the process for about eight hours. From that day forward, my life hasn't been the same.
Because of the severity of the ruptured disc in my back, my sciatic nerve was badly crushed. During surgery, they had to manipulate the nerve to get to the rupture, thus making it "angry", and only partially functional. They expect it to regenerate and be normal again, but according to the books, you only get one millimeter of growth back per day. My right leg is numb from the knee down to the tips of my toes..... I now have a disability.
I wear a brace on my leg to help my foot work, and to keep my ankle from turning since my muscles aren't currently working. It has slowed me down significantly, and has had an effect everything in my life and daily routines. I even had to go out and buy new shoes several sizes too big to fit the stupid thing. I walk slower, I get up and down slower, and I won't even go into the three ring circus act I perform while putting on and taking off those clown shoes.
I dread hearing words like, hurry, quickly, and I get especially self conscious when someone invites me into their home, as I know it's an unwritten rule in Minnesota that you must remove your shoes at the door, lest you track mud and snow everywhere you step. I CAN'T hurry. I CAN'T go quickly. It's not that I don't want to.... I just CAN'T.
I was recently in a play in which two scenes required some of us cast members to serve tea and cakes to the audience. At the exact cue, several of us were to go QUICKLY over to the tea service station, grab our trays and move SWIFTLY back to get the job done. I started out very far away from the service station, but soon discovered that I couldn't get back through the crowd fast enough and was getting run over by those who had two working legs.
I moved myself closer to the "middle" of the scene so I would have a little more time, but still got shouldered and bumped, as I was not moving fast enough. Not only was I getting hurt by bodies ramming into me as they whisked by, but I was hurting myself by forcing my own body to move quickly before it was completely healed.
I adjusted again, and placed myself at the very back of the scene. I was then able to get mostly out of the way until the last minute when three or four able bodies would cut me off and throw me off balance just before I reached the service station.
Finally, I surrendered and removed myself from the scene completely, so that I would have time to grab a tray of teacups and get out of the way of the rushing crowd.
So.... why am I writing about this?
I'll tell you why. I am willing to put money down on the table that not one single person involved in those tea serving scenes even realized what was happening, or how I was getting hurt because they were in such a rush. Likewise, I would lay down another ten dollars to bet that whoever shoveled the sidewalk the other day probably didn't give a single thought to someone in an electric wheelchair getting stuck.
When you stop by the store after work to grab something for supper, because you have a meeting or a recital or a church service or a concert or a school event or a........... *sigh*.....
......how many people do you plow down in the process? How many times do you lose patience because someone in front of you is moving too slow and they are IN YOUR WAY!!...? Do you ever think that whooshing past them could possibly throw them off balance, or further injure a delicate wound?
And how many times in that same store do you see people in wheelchairs, with canes, crutches, arm braces, neck braces, leg braces....... and stop to help them, NOT in the name of feeling sorry for them, but just because they are worth your time?
Or....... ARE they.... worth... your.... time.....?
In our society, we are in a hurry. We try to cram 38 hours of appointments into a 24 hour day, and our stores are jammed with as many items as we can fit and still not break the fire codes. I need to do this. I need to do that. I don't have time. I don't have patience. I just can't be bothered. I have my own life to worry about......
In the meantime, people, the PEOPLE we are supposed to care about, are...... they are..... drowning in our wake. The PEOPLE like the wheelchair lady are getting stuck in the snow because we didn't care enough to shovel it so she could get through. The PEOPLE driving the little carts at Wal-mart can't get through the clothing aisles because the racks are too close together. Oh, my friends, this can't be right. We are kicking them while they're down and we don't even know it!
I'm sorry. I am so sorry. To all the PEOPLE I've mowed over in my own hurry, I'm sorry. To all the PEOPLE who have gotten hurt, felt abandoned, left to fend for themselves, I'm so sorry. I will try harder to see you.... to SEE you..... to imagine what it's like to be in your shoes..... to think about something other than my busy schedule..... I will.
I hope all of us will..............try harder...................................
I said to my friend, "Awww....she's stuck!!" Neither one of us could do anything about it, as we were in the middle of downtown traffic. There was a guy walking towards her, clutching a McDonald's cup, and as we drove away in the cluster of busy vehicles, I hoped he would at least kick some of the snow out of the way, so she could go on with her day.
I have to wonder if she felt angry....hurt.... left to fend for herself, maybe? Did she, at that moment, or does she constantly wonder if anyone cares enough about her to make a little extra effort? How many times a day does she encounter similar situations? These questions, among others, went storming through my head like a monstrous tornado, sucking up my thoughts and spinning them about wildly. As the debris of imagination floated to the floor of my mind, I began picking up the pieces of my own story.
You see, at about this time five months ago, my mother and my best friend were in my room at St. Mary's Hospital playing Cribbage, while I was sound asleep recovering from back surgery . A "simple" surgery had turned out to be very complicated, and kept me in the process for about eight hours. From that day forward, my life hasn't been the same.
Because of the severity of the ruptured disc in my back, my sciatic nerve was badly crushed. During surgery, they had to manipulate the nerve to get to the rupture, thus making it "angry", and only partially functional. They expect it to regenerate and be normal again, but according to the books, you only get one millimeter of growth back per day. My right leg is numb from the knee down to the tips of my toes..... I now have a disability.
I wear a brace on my leg to help my foot work, and to keep my ankle from turning since my muscles aren't currently working. It has slowed me down significantly, and has had an effect everything in my life and daily routines. I even had to go out and buy new shoes several sizes too big to fit the stupid thing. I walk slower, I get up and down slower, and I won't even go into the three ring circus act I perform while putting on and taking off those clown shoes.
I dread hearing words like, hurry, quickly, and I get especially self conscious when someone invites me into their home, as I know it's an unwritten rule in Minnesota that you must remove your shoes at the door, lest you track mud and snow everywhere you step. I CAN'T hurry. I CAN'T go quickly. It's not that I don't want to.... I just CAN'T.
I was recently in a play in which two scenes required some of us cast members to serve tea and cakes to the audience. At the exact cue, several of us were to go QUICKLY over to the tea service station, grab our trays and move SWIFTLY back to get the job done. I started out very far away from the service station, but soon discovered that I couldn't get back through the crowd fast enough and was getting run over by those who had two working legs.
I moved myself closer to the "middle" of the scene so I would have a little more time, but still got shouldered and bumped, as I was not moving fast enough. Not only was I getting hurt by bodies ramming into me as they whisked by, but I was hurting myself by forcing my own body to move quickly before it was completely healed.
I adjusted again, and placed myself at the very back of the scene. I was then able to get mostly out of the way until the last minute when three or four able bodies would cut me off and throw me off balance just before I reached the service station.
Finally, I surrendered and removed myself from the scene completely, so that I would have time to grab a tray of teacups and get out of the way of the rushing crowd.
So.... why am I writing about this?
I'll tell you why. I am willing to put money down on the table that not one single person involved in those tea serving scenes even realized what was happening, or how I was getting hurt because they were in such a rush. Likewise, I would lay down another ten dollars to bet that whoever shoveled the sidewalk the other day probably didn't give a single thought to someone in an electric wheelchair getting stuck.
When you stop by the store after work to grab something for supper, because you have a meeting or a recital or a church service or a concert or a school event or a........... *sigh*.....
......how many people do you plow down in the process? How many times do you lose patience because someone in front of you is moving too slow and they are IN YOUR WAY!!...? Do you ever think that whooshing past them could possibly throw them off balance, or further injure a delicate wound?
And how many times in that same store do you see people in wheelchairs, with canes, crutches, arm braces, neck braces, leg braces....... and stop to help them, NOT in the name of feeling sorry for them, but just because they are worth your time?
Or....... ARE they.... worth... your.... time.....?
In our society, we are in a hurry. We try to cram 38 hours of appointments into a 24 hour day, and our stores are jammed with as many items as we can fit and still not break the fire codes. I need to do this. I need to do that. I don't have time. I don't have patience. I just can't be bothered. I have my own life to worry about......
In the meantime, people, the PEOPLE we are supposed to care about, are...... they are..... drowning in our wake. The PEOPLE like the wheelchair lady are getting stuck in the snow because we didn't care enough to shovel it so she could get through. The PEOPLE driving the little carts at Wal-mart can't get through the clothing aisles because the racks are too close together. Oh, my friends, this can't be right. We are kicking them while they're down and we don't even know it!
I'm sorry. I am so sorry. To all the PEOPLE I've mowed over in my own hurry, I'm sorry. To all the PEOPLE who have gotten hurt, felt abandoned, left to fend for themselves, I'm so sorry. I will try harder to see you.... to SEE you..... to imagine what it's like to be in your shoes..... to think about something other than my busy schedule..... I will.
I hope all of us will..............try harder...................................
December 21, 2009
SWD #41
http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/FOR TODAY... December 21, 2009
Outside my window... It's 18 degrees and cloudy. A lovely winter day.
I am thinking... about how hard it is to get attached to people, because I'm afraid of having to say goodbye. I didn't realize I was so guarded until this last week.
I am thankful for... first, that my mom made it here safely. And second, for the opportunity I had to work with an amazing group of people. I am very impressed that, even in all of our humanness, we managed to get more than 200 people working together on a show.
I am wearing... black shirt, black pants, new black shoes that make this stupid farty sound when I walk, because they're too big. Stupid brace on my leg makes shoes impossible. *sigh*
I am remembering... that I forgot to get something for a Christmas present. Dang it.
I am going... to be calm when they tell me how much it's going to cost to fix my truck today. I will be calm. I will be calm. I will be calm.........
I am currently reading... no.
I am hoping... that new friendships will be life friendships. I don't want them to end.
On my mind... trying not to get lost in the Christmas chaos. Must. Remember. Why. We. Celebrate.
Noticing that... I am really, really, really behind on things right now. Wow.
Pondering these words... "...not everybody leaves."
From the kitchen... Nothing. STILL no time. Though, my mom has requested chocolate orange fudge, so I will be getting that done at some point.
Around the house... I still have a pile of presents to wrap.... and it's grown. Soon, it will overtake me, and I shall be wrapped up myself. If you find me tied to a chair with Christmas ribbon, you know what happened.
One of my favorite things... Theatre people. They just rock.
From my picture journal... This is my crazy Quartet - Chloe, Kadi, Audrey and Glory. An amazing group of sweet, talented young ladies, who were an absolute blast to work with in A Christmas Carol. I sincerely hope I get the chance to work with them again. Don't they look mischievous???
December 14, 2009
SWD #40
http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/
FOR TODAY... December 14, 2009
Outside my window... It's 9 degrees. The snow is thick. People are complaining. Whatever.
I am thinking... a conversation I just had with a new friend about churches and religion and families and God and all kinds of stuff. So much to think about. So much to learn.
I am thankful for... kids that teach me about unconditional love.
I am wearing... pajamas. And a blanket. And a cat.
I am remembering... that church doesn't have to be in a church building. It's not about the building.
I am going... to savour the next few days of a play I'm in, as I don't want it to end. I don't want the relationships to end.
I am currently reading... what I've typed in this entry.
I am hoping... that I will see a clearer path in front of me soon.
On my mind... a ton. Really. It's heavy.
Noticing that... it's after 8:00 and I haven't eaten supper. No wonder I have a headache.
Pondering these words... "....when you look into peoples' eyes, you make it about them."
From the kitchen... Nothing. No time.
Around the house... I finally got things straightened up, and now I have a pile of Christmas presents to wrap.
One of my favorite things... is talking to people one on one. Not small talk.... real talk.
From my picture journal... I came across this strange bag of body parts in the dollar store one day, so I bought them to have just in case I needed a good joke. After passing them through different people in the office, I decided to use them on my best friend's son..... on Thanksgiving. I shall restrain myself and not leave the tiny little hand sticking out of the baptismal font at the church. hehehehe........
FOR TODAY... December 14, 2009
Outside my window... It's 9 degrees. The snow is thick. People are complaining. Whatever.
I am thinking... a conversation I just had with a new friend about churches and religion and families and God and all kinds of stuff. So much to think about. So much to learn.
I am thankful for... kids that teach me about unconditional love.
I am wearing... pajamas. And a blanket. And a cat.
I am remembering... that church doesn't have to be in a church building. It's not about the building.
I am going... to savour the next few days of a play I'm in, as I don't want it to end. I don't want the relationships to end.
I am currently reading... what I've typed in this entry.
I am hoping... that I will see a clearer path in front of me soon.
On my mind... a ton. Really. It's heavy.
Noticing that... it's after 8:00 and I haven't eaten supper. No wonder I have a headache.
Pondering these words... "....when you look into peoples' eyes, you make it about them."
From the kitchen... Nothing. No time.
Around the house... I finally got things straightened up, and now I have a pile of Christmas presents to wrap.
One of my favorite things... is talking to people one on one. Not small talk.... real talk.
From my picture journal... I came across this strange bag of body parts in the dollar store one day, so I bought them to have just in case I needed a good joke. After passing them through different people in the office, I decided to use them on my best friend's son..... on Thanksgiving. I shall restrain myself and not leave the tiny little hand sticking out of the baptismal font at the church. hehehehe........
December 1, 2009
SWD #39
After a long, LONG sabbatical, I have decided to resume blogging as I have time. I really don't know if anyone cares, but I shall do it anyway..... :o)
http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/
FOR TODAY... December 1, 2009
Outside my window... It's 43 degrees and cloudy. A near perfect day.
I am thinking... about people that I've met over the last few months, and how they have influenced my life in such a short time.
I am thankful for... a good job and wonderful co-workers.
I am wearing... black pants, black and pink striped turtleneck and socks, black shirt, black shoes. Yeah... the black shoes are two sizes too big because the leg brace I have to wear right now is ginormous. I keep tripping on my dumb clown feet shoes.
I am remembering... the thing Kristin said the other night about the line, "Haste, haste to bring Him laud...." She sweetly asked, "Why are they bringing Him lard??" I cannot stop laughing about that. :o)
I am going... to........... slow......... my...... mind.... down... to make sureIdon'tmissChristmasbecauseIhaveahabitofbeingsobusythatIforgetwhat'sreallyimportant... and.... that......... is............... not........................... goooooooooooooooooooood.......................
I am currently reading... Good grief. I have no spare time to read right now. See above.
I am hoping... that the road to healing, after this back surgery of mine, is a smoother one in the coming months
On my mind... too much.... WAY too much.....
Noticing that... church doesn't always have to be in a building with a steeple. It is as simple as a community. Sometimes grace and mercy come from everywhere BUT the building with the steeple.
Pondering these words... "I want you to be in charge of this, but here's a list of how you will do it."
From the kitchen... um.... no.
Around the house... I think I lost my cat in the pile of stuff on the table. I guess that happens when you run in, throw things down and run out. Poor Allige.
One of my favorite things... is when people share their gifts and talents with me. I truly appreciate it.
From my picture journal... My mom turned 60 on November 11th. I have always told her that she can NEVER wear polyester pants, that I will always make sure her socks match, and that her lipstick will only cover her LIPS, not her entire face. So.... she sent me this picture. Polyester outfit. YUCK. Mismatched socks. Oy. Lipstick.... there are just no words. I love you, Mom!
November 11, 2009
Sixty Things I LOVE About My Mom...
Today is my mother's SIXTIETH birthday! I can't be with her, so I thought I would post sixty things I love about her. Happy birthday, Momala!
Sixty things I love about my mom.....
1. She's my mom.
2. Her hair - it's very soft.
3. The way she laughs.
4. She is loyal.
5. She has one of the most giving hearts I know.
6. She is extremely smart.
7. She genuinely cares for others.
8. She's not afraid to admit a mistake.
9. She's a survivor.
10. She preserves tradition.
11. I LOVE spending time with her.
12. She forgives me when I screw up.
13. She likes a good joke.
14. We make good memories together.
15. She learns from her mistakes.
16. She's very organized.
17. Her love for football makes me smile.
18. She matches her clothes well (including her socks!)
19. She knows the value of a dollar.
20. Her hands.
21. Her house is very clean.
22. She teaches you to put things back where you got them.
23. She would give you the shirt off her back.
24. She can sing on key!
25. She makes a point to know what you're interested in.
26. She is extremely generous.
27. She doesn't wear polyester pants. :o)
28. She doesn't force me to play Monopoly or Cribbage or Backgammon anymore. Yay. :o)
29. When she does something, she does it wholeheartedly.
30. She likes theatre.
31. She (and my dad) gave me hazel eyes.
32. Despite all the odds, she never gives up.
33. She's a very good driver.
34. She is real. What you see is what you get.
35. I like talking with her.
36. She makes a point to spend time with me, even though she lives four states away.
37. She's always there when I need her.
38. She isn't lacking in common sense.
39. She places a lot of value in her family and friends.
40. She loves God.
41. She knows how to harmonize well.
42. She's not afraid to show emotion.
43. She plays Yahtzee with me.
44. I love shopping with her!
45. She and I have our own special traditions.
46. She has a really cool birthmark. Don't know why, but I've always liked it.
47. I like the face she makes when she's thinking.
48. She misses me.
49. She loves me unconditionally.
50. She treasures things you give her.
51. She tries hard to make everyone happy.
52. She LOVES her grandson.
53. Our relationship just keeps getting better!
54. Being with her makes me truly happy.
55. She strives to be good at whatever she does.
56. She is extremely good at math.
57. If she doesn't know the answer, she finds it.
58. She is BEAUTIFUL inside, and out.
59. She's funny. :o)
60. She makes me want to be a better person.
I love you, Mom.
Sixty things I love about my mom.....
1. She's my mom.
2. Her hair - it's very soft.
3. The way she laughs.
4. She is loyal.
5. She has one of the most giving hearts I know.
6. She is extremely smart.
7. She genuinely cares for others.
8. She's not afraid to admit a mistake.
9. She's a survivor.
10. She preserves tradition.
11. I LOVE spending time with her.
12. She forgives me when I screw up.
13. She likes a good joke.
14. We make good memories together.
15. She learns from her mistakes.
16. She's very organized.
17. Her love for football makes me smile.
18. She matches her clothes well (including her socks!)
19. She knows the value of a dollar.
20. Her hands.
21. Her house is very clean.
22. She teaches you to put things back where you got them.
23. She would give you the shirt off her back.
24. She can sing on key!
25. She makes a point to know what you're interested in.
26. She is extremely generous.
27. She doesn't wear polyester pants. :o)
28. She doesn't force me to play Monopoly or Cribbage or Backgammon anymore. Yay. :o)
29. When she does something, she does it wholeheartedly.
30. She likes theatre.
31. She (and my dad) gave me hazel eyes.
32. Despite all the odds, she never gives up.
33. She's a very good driver.
34. She is real. What you see is what you get.
35. I like talking with her.
36. She makes a point to spend time with me, even though she lives four states away.
37. She's always there when I need her.
38. She isn't lacking in common sense.
39. She places a lot of value in her family and friends.
40. She loves God.
41. She knows how to harmonize well.
42. She's not afraid to show emotion.
43. She plays Yahtzee with me.
44. I love shopping with her!
45. She and I have our own special traditions.
46. She has a really cool birthmark. Don't know why, but I've always liked it.
47. I like the face she makes when she's thinking.
48. She misses me.
49. She loves me unconditionally.
50. She treasures things you give her.
51. She tries hard to make everyone happy.
52. She LOVES her grandson.
53. Our relationship just keeps getting better!
54. Being with her makes me truly happy.
55. She strives to be good at whatever she does.
56. She is extremely good at math.
57. If she doesn't know the answer, she finds it.
58. She is BEAUTIFUL inside, and out.
59. She's funny. :o)
60. She makes me want to be a better person.
I love you, Mom.
August 11, 2009
SWD #38
http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/FOR TODAY (August 11, 2009)...
Outside my window... 75 degrees and sunny. I was with a friend out in the country last night and realized how much I TRULY love my Minnesota. It really is a beautiful state, and I love living here.
I am thinking... about so much. I am thinking about what I have to accomplish between now and this time tomorrow. Thinking about my mom, and how I wish so badly that I could be in Ohio with her right now as she deals with the loss of her sweet dog. Thinking about the nagging feeling I have in the back of my brain that I've forgotten something for kids' camp this week. I don't know what it is, but I hope it's not too important. Thinking about how long it's been since I've written anything on here, and how overwhelmed I've been lately with busy-ness. Thinking about the changes that are happening around work, and how it seems like the whole deck of cards has been thrown into the air and we're just waiting to see how they land. I am thinking about how I COULD have had leftovers for lunch today, but stupid me forgot to put them in the refrigerator last night, thus RUINING them. DUH. Oh, that reminds me, I need to make sure I clean that out before I go tomorrow. So yeah.....I could go on and on, but I'll stop here.....
I am thankful for... health. It seems that so many people are unhealthy...dealing with so much. I am thankful for a relatively healthy life and existence.
I am hoping... for a safe trip with the kids to and from camp this week.
From the kitchen... nothing happening in the kitchen right now, except iced tea. I feel the need to take tea with me to camp, as to avoid having to drink nasty juice stuff. Yuck.
I am wearing... black pants, black tank, brown shirt. I know, I know, you're not supposed to wear black and brown. I just can't force myself to care. Plus, I don't really care anyway. I wear what I want. :o)
I am creating... plans to make sure we don't forget anything or anyone tomorrow. 43 people on a coach bus.... hard to keep track of sometimes!
I am hearing... The air conditioner is running, and my phone just dinged at me.
Around the house... House? What house? Do I still have a house? I think I live at drama practice right now.
One of my favourite things... Laughing with friends and family. It is good.
A few plans for the rest of the week:
Sleeping with spiders.
Bathing in a lake (with swimsuits ON, mind you).
Cooking over open campfires.
S'mores.
Lots of fun with the kids.
Here is a picture thought I'm sharing... This is Jessie, my mom's dog. Jessie went to doggie heaven this week and she will be GREATLY missed. She's been my mother's best friend for years and years, and has brought crazy amounts of laughter and joy into our family's lives. It is wicked to see her go, and still so hard to believe..... will probably bring tears to my eyes for a long time. I will miss you, Jessie.........
July 6, 2009
SWD #37
http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/FOR TODAY (July 6, 2009)...
Outside my window... it's hot. And humid. Hot and humid. Yeah.
I am thinking... about my family, and what a difficult time they're dealing with, watching someone die. Been there...... it's so hard....
I am STILL hoping... Grandpa Don doesn't suffer too much during his last hours.....
I am thankful for... some much needed time off coming up.
From the kitchen... trying not to make anything this week. Refrigerator needs to be empty before I leave for NM.
I am wearing... loose clothing, as not to scratch the sunburn.
I am creating... two lists... packing and to-do.
I am hearing... someone is making copies. My stomach is growling. The air conditioner is running.
Around the house... just packing and getting ready for the trip.
One of my favourite things... good, captivating performances.
A few plans for the rest of the week:
Packing and getting things ready to go.
Here is a picture thought I'm sharing... I found Allige snuggled into my bed the other day, and thought he was too cute to pass up. Also, MJ, sleeping with her blankie curled up underneath her chin.... she was very sweet.
June 29, 2009
SWD #36
http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/FOR TODAY (June 29, 2009)...
Outside my window... it's 64 degrees. Cloudy. Cool. Finally.
I am thinking... about how hard it is when you try to do something nice and get burned. Especially when you put in effort behind the scenes. Whatever. Am also thinking about how I'm not in a very good mood today.
I am hoping... Grandpa Don doesn't suffer too much during his last days.....
I am thankful for... health.
From the kitchen... leftover enchiladas.
I am wearing... unexciting clothes.
I am creating... nothing.
I am hearing... the wind is blowing through the trees. I wish I could go lie down in the grass and just listen and feel.
Around the house... the house is clean. I guess I'll sit and enjoy it while it lasts.
One of my favourite things... people who "get it" when you need them to.... without judgment.... without condemnation.... they just get it. Those people are extremely hard to find.
A few plans for the rest of the week:
I guess I need to take this one minute at a time.
Here is a picture thought I'm sharing... I walked into the nursery last week and discovered this doll. She was apparently very sick, and one of the toddlers took very good care of her. I hope that child never loses their ability to nurture.....
June 15, 2009
Immersed in Churchianity...
Okay, so....
You're driving down the road, off in your happy place, and suddenly, it's like your eyes are opened and you have nooooo idea how you got to where you are. Your mind races.... "did I run any red lights??.... did I use my turn signal??.... did I cut anyone off??.....HOW did I get here????...... geez, I could have killed someone!!"
This is a scenerio I've heard people talk about many times, and there is always a repeated phrase, "I suddenly realized that I had no idea how I got there."
I am in such a place. Oh, don't worry, I haven't mowed down any pedestrians recently, and to my knowledge all the neighborhood pets are accounted for, but I am suddenly finding myself wondering how in the WORLD I got to where I am today.
I recently wrote a post called, "Identity in the Mask", in which I challenged myself and others to take off the masks and find out who is really underneath them. For a while now, I've been taking a long, embracing look at who I have become.... someone who changes to please people... a chameleon of sorts. As I peel off mask after mask, I continue to discover new religious rules I've subjected myself to, because I want to do what's right. The strange thing is, these rules I'm finding aren't necessarily things I hold deep in my convictions, but rather, rules that I have allowed people to oh-so-authoritatively place into my life.
I've become IMMERSED IN CHURCHIANITY.
When I was young, I went to a Methodist church, but none of the kids my age had any interest in youth group or anything like that, and I was very frustrated, so I left. (It's so strange to look back and think that my desire to have something "more" led me down a path that ultimately landed me here.)
I went to the Church of Christ. Coming from the Methodist church, the Church of Christ people took it upon themselves to show me that I wasn’t “doing it right”, and so I morphed to the new religious rules.
I went to the Presbyterian Church. Again, not “doing it right”, so I morphed into theirs as well.
I went to the Baptist Church and knelt and did the whole “turn my life over to Jesus” thing(again). Shortly after my little “salvation” experience, some of the adults (I was only 16 at this time) thought I would make a good “look-out” for them while they had an affair. I was literally made (I knew it wasn’t right, but I was taught to be obedient to my elders) to sit in the car and make sure no one was coming while the two of them went into a house and, well, dot dot dot..... When they got busted, I ended up stuck in a meeting and was given another set of rules.
After that, I went into witchcraft, which I don’t talk much about, because people tend to freak out and feel the need to perform some sort of exorcism.
When I went to college, I entered even more of the churchianity world. I spent some time working my way out of witchcraft through the “guidance” of my Christian peers. Fine. Okay. Done with witchcraft, however, that guidance led me into a new set of rules. What music I was allowed to listen to, what clothes I had to wear, what books I could read, what words I had to say. And of course, since I was taught to be obedient, and have always been one who wants to do what’s right, I morphed again.
Then on to the Assembly of God church….new rules… strict rules…. WEIRD rules…. okay…. morph.
My next church was a “family-run” church. It was okay at first, but then, as I worked my way “up the ladder of approval,” I got more rules than ever. Despite the fact that I knew I was allowing myself to be controlled, I desperately wanted friends, I desperately wanted a place to belong, and, most importantly, I desperately wanted to do what was right. I stayed at that church for many years. During the last year I was there, some straaaange stuff was being taught (I won't go into it here, so if you really want to know, you'll have to ask me). I could not grasp it, I could not agree with it, and I questioned it.... a lot. That, combined with so many other aspects, well, let's just say that things ended on a not-so-pleasant note.
It broke me. Completely and totally broke me. I lost my ability to sing, which, for those of you who know me, is a pretty big deal. I lost my desire to be in church, but I went anyway because I knew it was right. I really even lost my desire to live, but I didn’t think I should give up on God because of what people had done to me, even though there were many times (and I still have those times) when I wanted to turn and walk away from Christianity, and the entire organized religion realm altogether.
So.... I joined yet another church, broken…. oh my gosh, SOOOO broken…. literally being held up by some friends, because I could not stand on my own feet. I spent about a year trying to get back up again, fighting to get my song back, fighting to find a reason for continuing to exist….still attempting to find out WHAT God wanted… WHO God wanted me to be. I thought I was safe. I thought I was in a place where I could figure things out…. discover whether or not I actually had a purpose at all. I started over….. but then.... I slowly began working my way “up the ladder of approval" AGAIN.
One would think that I possess enough intelligence to learn my lesson, however, this is apparently not the case in this instance, and I have discovered that I am right back where I started. I am finding that I allow myself to be controlled by what people think, rather than what God thinks. I become who people want me to be, because I want to do what’s right. Is it the fault of others? I'm still figuring that out, but I'm fairly certain I bear the weight of the responsibility here. The real issue… the heart of the matter… is finding worth. According to the rules, I have never had any worth... and for as long as I can remember, I have been a worthless piece of garbage.
And so…. here I sit. Morphed into this religious creature that has the ability to speak the language and be the puppet, but I have no worth as a person. I've followed the rules, and I've been obeident to PEOPLE, and the only thing that's done for me is show me that there is NOTHING good about me (and please, spare me the “all have sinned and come short” speech) and worth keeping or people wouldn’t always be trying to change me.
My friend and I have been chatting about some of this stuff, as she is going through much of the same thing, only she is many steps ahead of me. She dares to tell me that we have worth simply because we are created in God's image. That's it. It stops there. She doesn't say, we are created in God's image, but that's not quite enough, because the rules say we have to be something else. No religion. No high and mighty attitude. No ladder of approval. Just acceptance of God's creation.... because HE created it.
I can almost feel the bristling from some who would say that God has requirements of us as followers of Christ, and some things are NON-NEGOTIABLE. Okay, okay, settle down.... that may be true, however, unless we work out our own relationship with God, it really doesn't mean anything at all. It's nothing more than a pile of rules. How can the Holy Spirit be allowed to work with us personally when our religion is in the way?
I have to wonder how many people are buried under the laws and rules of churchianity, because someone said they weren't good enough. How many chameleons are out there doing what people say, being obedient to the rules, and finding themselves asking, "How in the WORLD did I get to where I am??"
I'm just curious, really, and I certainly don't claim to be right, or have all the answers. I do know that my relationship with God MUST belong to Him and me, not to Him, me and my 300 other bosses, or there's really no sense in having it at all. I still respect authority, as I should according to my convictions, and I always welcome insight and wisdom. However, I am learning, and will continue to (attempt to) be strong in that, if God and I are okay, then it really doesn't matter what other people think.
You're driving down the road, off in your happy place, and suddenly, it's like your eyes are opened and you have nooooo idea how you got to where you are. Your mind races.... "did I run any red lights??.... did I use my turn signal??.... did I cut anyone off??.....HOW did I get here????...... geez, I could have killed someone!!"
This is a scenerio I've heard people talk about many times, and there is always a repeated phrase, "I suddenly realized that I had no idea how I got there."
I am in such a place. Oh, don't worry, I haven't mowed down any pedestrians recently, and to my knowledge all the neighborhood pets are accounted for, but I am suddenly finding myself wondering how in the WORLD I got to where I am today.
I recently wrote a post called, "Identity in the Mask", in which I challenged myself and others to take off the masks and find out who is really underneath them. For a while now, I've been taking a long, embracing look at who I have become.... someone who changes to please people... a chameleon of sorts. As I peel off mask after mask, I continue to discover new religious rules I've subjected myself to, because I want to do what's right. The strange thing is, these rules I'm finding aren't necessarily things I hold deep in my convictions, but rather, rules that I have allowed people to oh-so-authoritatively place into my life.
I've become IMMERSED IN CHURCHIANITY.
When I was young, I went to a Methodist church, but none of the kids my age had any interest in youth group or anything like that, and I was very frustrated, so I left. (It's so strange to look back and think that my desire to have something "more" led me down a path that ultimately landed me here.)
I went to the Church of Christ. Coming from the Methodist church, the Church of Christ people took it upon themselves to show me that I wasn’t “doing it right”, and so I morphed to the new religious rules.
I went to the Presbyterian Church. Again, not “doing it right”, so I morphed into theirs as well.
I went to the Baptist Church and knelt and did the whole “turn my life over to Jesus” thing(again). Shortly after my little “salvation” experience, some of the adults (I was only 16 at this time) thought I would make a good “look-out” for them while they had an affair. I was literally made (I knew it wasn’t right, but I was taught to be obedient to my elders) to sit in the car and make sure no one was coming while the two of them went into a house and, well, dot dot dot..... When they got busted, I ended up stuck in a meeting and was given another set of rules.
After that, I went into witchcraft, which I don’t talk much about, because people tend to freak out and feel the need to perform some sort of exorcism.
When I went to college, I entered even more of the churchianity world. I spent some time working my way out of witchcraft through the “guidance” of my Christian peers. Fine. Okay. Done with witchcraft, however, that guidance led me into a new set of rules. What music I was allowed to listen to, what clothes I had to wear, what books I could read, what words I had to say. And of course, since I was taught to be obedient, and have always been one who wants to do what’s right, I morphed again.
Then on to the Assembly of God church….new rules… strict rules…. WEIRD rules…. okay…. morph.
My next church was a “family-run” church. It was okay at first, but then, as I worked my way “up the ladder of approval,” I got more rules than ever. Despite the fact that I knew I was allowing myself to be controlled, I desperately wanted friends, I desperately wanted a place to belong, and, most importantly, I desperately wanted to do what was right. I stayed at that church for many years. During the last year I was there, some straaaange stuff was being taught (I won't go into it here, so if you really want to know, you'll have to ask me). I could not grasp it, I could not agree with it, and I questioned it.... a lot. That, combined with so many other aspects, well, let's just say that things ended on a not-so-pleasant note.
It broke me. Completely and totally broke me. I lost my ability to sing, which, for those of you who know me, is a pretty big deal. I lost my desire to be in church, but I went anyway because I knew it was right. I really even lost my desire to live, but I didn’t think I should give up on God because of what people had done to me, even though there were many times (and I still have those times) when I wanted to turn and walk away from Christianity, and the entire organized religion realm altogether.
So.... I joined yet another church, broken…. oh my gosh, SOOOO broken…. literally being held up by some friends, because I could not stand on my own feet. I spent about a year trying to get back up again, fighting to get my song back, fighting to find a reason for continuing to exist….still attempting to find out WHAT God wanted… WHO God wanted me to be. I thought I was safe. I thought I was in a place where I could figure things out…. discover whether or not I actually had a purpose at all. I started over….. but then.... I slowly began working my way “up the ladder of approval" AGAIN.
One would think that I possess enough intelligence to learn my lesson, however, this is apparently not the case in this instance, and I have discovered that I am right back where I started. I am finding that I allow myself to be controlled by what people think, rather than what God thinks. I become who people want me to be, because I want to do what’s right. Is it the fault of others? I'm still figuring that out, but I'm fairly certain I bear the weight of the responsibility here. The real issue… the heart of the matter… is finding worth. According to the rules, I have never had any worth... and for as long as I can remember, I have been a worthless piece of garbage.
And so…. here I sit. Morphed into this religious creature that has the ability to speak the language and be the puppet, but I have no worth as a person. I've followed the rules, and I've been obeident to PEOPLE, and the only thing that's done for me is show me that there is NOTHING good about me (and please, spare me the “all have sinned and come short” speech) and worth keeping or people wouldn’t always be trying to change me.
My friend and I have been chatting about some of this stuff, as she is going through much of the same thing, only she is many steps ahead of me. She dares to tell me that we have worth simply because we are created in God's image. That's it. It stops there. She doesn't say, we are created in God's image, but that's not quite enough, because the rules say we have to be something else. No religion. No high and mighty attitude. No ladder of approval. Just acceptance of God's creation.... because HE created it.
I can almost feel the bristling from some who would say that God has requirements of us as followers of Christ, and some things are NON-NEGOTIABLE. Okay, okay, settle down.... that may be true, however, unless we work out our own relationship with God, it really doesn't mean anything at all. It's nothing more than a pile of rules. How can the Holy Spirit be allowed to work with us personally when our religion is in the way?
I have to wonder how many people are buried under the laws and rules of churchianity, because someone said they weren't good enough. How many chameleons are out there doing what people say, being obedient to the rules, and finding themselves asking, "How in the WORLD did I get to where I am??"
I'm just curious, really, and I certainly don't claim to be right, or have all the answers. I do know that my relationship with God MUST belong to Him and me, not to Him, me and my 300 other bosses, or there's really no sense in having it at all. I still respect authority, as I should according to my convictions, and I always welcome insight and wisdom. However, I am learning, and will continue to (attempt to) be strong in that, if God and I are okay, then it really doesn't matter what other people think.
SWD #35
http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/FOR TODAY (June 15, 2009)...
Outside my window... it's 73 degrees and rising. Whether I like it or not, summer is here. Solstice is coming though, and that means the days will get shorter soon.
I am thinking... about how many things I have to accomplish this week. I have overbooked myself SERIOUSLY. I hope..... I hope, hope, hope I can handle it all.
I am hoping... see above.
I am thankful for... a good price on an airline ticket, and an upcoming (sort of) vacation.
From the kitchen... that will be determined by what comes from Walmart tonight.
I am wearing... black gouchos, black shirt, hot pink tanktop, awesome sandals.
I am creating... a plan to accomplish much in little time and not lose my mind.
I am hearing... the sounds of VBS in the hallways and the air conditioner running. Oh... and someone talking about how he saw the pastor having breakfast at a restaurant. It's true. Pastors really do eat like normal people. Now you know.
Around the house... Again.... I MUST MUST MUST clean. It is my highest priority for the week.
One of my favourite things... shoes. I have a ridiculously large collection of shoes. And yes, I do wear most of them.
A few plans for the rest of the week:
Clean and clean some more.
Go here.
Go there.
Do this.
Do that.
Accomplish much.
Keep my wits about me.
Here is a picture thought I'm sharing... Again, I have several pics. I decided to try my hand at growing vegetables this year. From top to bottom.... what I started with all the way to what I planted. I, with some help from my friend and her kids, hand tilled the space, and I have the sore back and hands to prove it! I planted German beans, green beans, carrots, onions and eight tomato plants. I am SO excited and I REALLY hope they grow. Off to the side, there are green onions and rhubarb growing from the person who used to use this space many years ago... those were fun things to find as we dug out!
June 1, 2009
SWD #34
http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/FOR TODAY (June 1, 2009)...
Outside my window... 64 degrees and sunny. I am hanging onto the cooler weather as long as I possibly can. Though.... my pool is blue and looks very refreshing. :o)
I am thinking... about how to get myself to New Mexico to see Grandpa Don before it's too late. I'm extremely worried that I might not make it in time. Stupid money.... why can't I just have more of it?
I am hoping... that the above mentioned works out soon. VERY soon. I hate not having the luxury of time on my side.
I am thankful for... Well.... among other not-so-shallow things, I am thankful for my peeps at Starbucks, who called pretty much every Lutheran church in town looking for me (they couldn't remember which one I worked at) to tell me that they had set aside the new "to-go" cup for me. I've been waiting for more than a month for that cup to arrive. Talk about above and beyond!
From the kitchen... yeah. I pretty much have nothing coming from the kitchen.
I am wearing... black pants, fuschia shirt... and other stuff.
I am creating... thoughts about how I want to handle the next few weeks. Might be a little tricky.
I am hearing... a couple of people talking down the hall, and the air conditioner running.
Around the house... I MUST MUST MUST clean. My mom came to visit and my house was a disaster. How humiliating. Ugh.
One of my favourite things... my mom coming to visit. She came and stayed for a week, and we had a great time just doing whatever we wanted. Lots of laughs and lots of good conversation. I really enjoyed it. :o)
A few plans for the rest of the week:
I have NO clue.
Here is a picture thought I'm sharing... I have several pics. My mom and I went to the Walker Art Museum (actually, we only went through the sculptures in the park) when she was here, so I am now in possession of pictures of the spoon and cherry art. I think every Minnesotan needs these for their collection. I got a cute pic of mom peeking through one of the art projects. I love how her face is in one square and her hand is in the next square down.
And THEN.... I was greeted by my dear BFF this morning with a picture of something her cat left for her, and the caption, "Here's looking at you." It's great to have friends who are comfortable sharing cat poop art with me. :o)
May 18, 2009
SWD #33
http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/FOR TODAY (May 18, 2009)...
Outside my window... 64 degrees. Supposed to get hot and humid. Yuck. I can't wait for summer to be over and it hasn't even started yet.
I am thinking... about an old friend of mine who's in ICU at the hospital after a kidney transplant.
I am hoping... that my mother's trip goes well, with no complications. And NO sickness!!
I am thankful for... doctors that listen to you and not just think they know everything.
From the kitchen... nothing is coming from the kitchen right now. Have been too sick to cook, and I have no time this week.
I am wearing... black pants, hunter green shirt, awesome sandals.
I am creating... greeter charts. Joy.
I am hearing... the computers humming, the clock ticking, the wind blowing outside.
Around the house... Mom is coming..... time to clean!!
One of my favourite things... my mother coming to visit. Yay! Three days till arrival!
A few plans for the rest of the week:
Camp fundraiser.
Clean house.
Church kids party.
Mom arrives.
Fun!
Here is a picture thought I'm sharing... I had to share TWO pictures this week. The first one is my very first tasting of creme brulee', which was out of this world good. Wowza. My best friend's son made it last night... yumyumyumyumyum. The second picture is lame, but fun. We were making potato salad over the weekend and there was teeny, tiny pickle in the jar - only as big as a quarter. So cute. I know, I know..... I really DO have a life. Sort of. :o)
May 11, 2009
SWD #32
FOR TODAY (May 11, 2009)...
Outside my window... everything is turning green, and it's 69 degrees. I see that the pools are filled and nearly ready for use.
I am thinking... about how bad my throat hurts. Yikes.
I am thankful for... Ibuprofen.
Outside my window... everything is turning green, and it's 69 degrees. I see that the pools are filled and nearly ready for use.
I am thinking... about how bad my throat hurts. Yikes.
I am thankful for... Ibuprofen.
From the kitchen... I am hungry, but do NOT feel good, so I don't think anything will be coming from the kitchen.
I am wearing... my pajamas. That's what you wear when you don't feel well. Comfort clothes.
I am creating... nothing. Creative lag....
I am hearing... the birds chirping outside, the television, and the cat breathing.
I am hearing... the birds chirping outside, the television, and the cat breathing.
Around the house... I still haven't found my glasses. I have NO idea what happened to them. *sigh*
One of my favourite things... My cat. He's just so amazing.
A few plans for the rest of the week:
One of my favourite things... My cat. He's just so amazing.
A few plans for the rest of the week:
That depends on how the strep culture comes out.
Here is a picture thought I'm sharing... I am not a fan of warm weather, but still.... who can resist the beauty of pink trees??
Here is a picture thought I'm sharing... I am not a fan of warm weather, but still.... who can resist the beauty of pink trees??
May 4, 2009
SWD #31
http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/FOR TODAY (May 4, 2009)...
Outside my window... it's 72 degrees and sunny... not at all my kind of weather. I'm hot. I want to throw my shoes off and work barefooted.
I am thinking... about my friend who has an audition tonight. She's nervous. I don't think she knows how incredibly gifted she is.
I am thankful for... permission.... no explanation.... just permission.
From the kitchen... I forgot I'm supposed to make a dessert for this workshop I'm having tonight. Woopsy. Guess I'll be busy after work.
I am wearing... flowered palazzo pants, burgundy shirt, shoes.... which I'd rather not be wearing.
I am creating... a list of interview questions for potential new hires.
I am hearing... someone next to me is rustling papers and the air conditioner is running.
Around the house... I must locate my glasses. I think something in the house may have eaten them. I am quick to suspect the recliner, but it could have also been the bed.
One of my favourite things... wearing what I want. I don't like to have to dress up.
A few plans for the rest of the week:
Couponing workshop.
Girls' night.
The rest is in the air.
Here is a picture thought I'm sharing... for my birthday, my best friend's kids pitched in and got me some sparkly Converse. This picture does NOT do them justice - the radiate colour everywhere. I LOVE them.
April 30, 2009
Identity in the Mask...
"Masquerade! Paper faces on parade . . .Masquerade!
Hide your face, so the world will never find you!
Masquerade! Every face a different shade . . .Masquerade!
Look around -there's another mask behind you!"
This little excerpt from Phantom of the Opera is part of one of my all time favourite songs. I saw Phantom in New York many years ago, but I have never forgotten the tingling through every inch of my body when the crowd of masked people entered the scene - its powerful ensemble of resonating vibrato absolutely shaking the walls of the opera house as they bellowed out the lyrics. Mask after exquisite mask, parading down the staircase, extravagantly disguised to hide their true identities........
"Masquerade! Seething shadows, breathing lies . . .Masquerade!
You can fool any friend who ever knew you."
So deliciously powerful... and so incredibly ironic... because we, too, wear masks that hide our identities, even from our friends. No, not the feathered, beaded, painted kind. Our masks generally come in the form of titles. She's that business woman. He's that pastor. That dude is a great singer. She's a good mother. Oh, that's the daughter of the cousin of the friend of mine who has that great job with that one company doing that great thing. Huh??
In the name of expectations, we plow through in skin-crawling misery, wearing these masks and living up to what our titles say we are. Then, following our not-so-Academy-Award-winning performances, we ask the questions, "Why do people expect so much of me?" and "Why am I doing this, when it's not who I really am?"
May I ask you a question? When you strip down all of those titles and take off the mask, what's left? Who ARE you? Do you even know?
I have been on this journey for a long time now, and it has finally come to a screeching halt. If I don't take off these masks and just learn to be who I am, rather than what people want me to be, then what's the point? I have spent (or wasted, rather) more than twenty years of my life (wow, that makes me sound old) trying to please people - trying to be what they want me to be, because they see no value in who I really am. Not what I can DO for them, but WHO... I... AM.
I've been afraid for years, particularly (and unfortunately) of the Christian community, because I have been so harshly criticized and insulted (and this does NOT include good, solid reasoning and teaching) when I show the slightest bit of ME. Don't look that way. Don't act that way. Don't use that tone. Don't wear those clothes. This is wrong. That is wrong. Do it this way. Do it that way. GOD DOESN'T APPROVE.
For me....it has to stop. Will the criticism ever stop? I have my doubts. But, I can't help but face the fact that my relationship with God is, in fact, HIS and MINE, and that He and I have to work this out on our terms, not on the terms of other people, and certainly not on man-made standards. It HAS to be God and me.... PERIOD.... or it's not real in the first place. Right now, I have been brought to my knees in humility that Jesus' sacrifice, and my eternity really IS based on who HE is, and not what I've done. As a follower of Christ, you'd think I would know this, but somehow, the revelation has escaped me.
So, okay.... where does this leave me? Probably at a very, very unpopular place in my community of friends. I make people uncomfortable with these words. In fact, I might be labeled even worse than I already am for taking a stand. But... I can only imagine that if I, being one tiny little person on this planet, am experiencing this, there MUST be thousands more who are hurting and desperate to leave the masquerade party... to find who they are.... who they REALLY are... true identity.
And so, I've decided to write about it, and I am inviting you to be part of this journey with me. Give me your insight. Tell me your experiences. TAKE OFF YOUR MASKS with me. It will not be easy, as I am already learning, but I truly believe that God created all of us FIRST and FOREMOST as humans...people... JUST people... with no masks. In fact, completely naked, we came out of the wombs of our mothers. No facade there.
And no more facade here. We'll see where it lands me.
Hide your face, so the world will never find you!
Masquerade! Every face a different shade . . .Masquerade!
Look around -there's another mask behind you!"
This little excerpt from Phantom of the Opera is part of one of my all time favourite songs. I saw Phantom in New York many years ago, but I have never forgotten the tingling through every inch of my body when the crowd of masked people entered the scene - its powerful ensemble of resonating vibrato absolutely shaking the walls of the opera house as they bellowed out the lyrics. Mask after exquisite mask, parading down the staircase, extravagantly disguised to hide their true identities........
"Masquerade! Seething shadows, breathing lies . . .Masquerade!
You can fool any friend who ever knew you."
So deliciously powerful... and so incredibly ironic... because we, too, wear masks that hide our identities, even from our friends. No, not the feathered, beaded, painted kind. Our masks generally come in the form of titles. She's that business woman. He's that pastor. That dude is a great singer. She's a good mother. Oh, that's the daughter of the cousin of the friend of mine who has that great job with that one company doing that great thing. Huh??
In the name of expectations, we plow through in skin-crawling misery, wearing these masks and living up to what our titles say we are. Then, following our not-so-Academy-Award-winning performances, we ask the questions, "Why do people expect so much of me?" and "Why am I doing this, when it's not who I really am?"
May I ask you a question? When you strip down all of those titles and take off the mask, what's left? Who ARE you? Do you even know?
I have been on this journey for a long time now, and it has finally come to a screeching halt. If I don't take off these masks and just learn to be who I am, rather than what people want me to be, then what's the point? I have spent (or wasted, rather) more than twenty years of my life (wow, that makes me sound old) trying to please people - trying to be what they want me to be, because they see no value in who I really am. Not what I can DO for them, but WHO... I... AM.
I've been afraid for years, particularly (and unfortunately) of the Christian community, because I have been so harshly criticized and insulted (and this does NOT include good, solid reasoning and teaching) when I show the slightest bit of ME. Don't look that way. Don't act that way. Don't use that tone. Don't wear those clothes. This is wrong. That is wrong. Do it this way. Do it that way. GOD DOESN'T APPROVE.
For me....it has to stop. Will the criticism ever stop? I have my doubts. But, I can't help but face the fact that my relationship with God is, in fact, HIS and MINE, and that He and I have to work this out on our terms, not on the terms of other people, and certainly not on man-made standards. It HAS to be God and me.... PERIOD.... or it's not real in the first place. Right now, I have been brought to my knees in humility that Jesus' sacrifice, and my eternity really IS based on who HE is, and not what I've done. As a follower of Christ, you'd think I would know this, but somehow, the revelation has escaped me.
So, okay.... where does this leave me? Probably at a very, very unpopular place in my community of friends. I make people uncomfortable with these words. In fact, I might be labeled even worse than I already am for taking a stand. But... I can only imagine that if I, being one tiny little person on this planet, am experiencing this, there MUST be thousands more who are hurting and desperate to leave the masquerade party... to find who they are.... who they REALLY are... true identity.
And so, I've decided to write about it, and I am inviting you to be part of this journey with me. Give me your insight. Tell me your experiences. TAKE OFF YOUR MASKS with me. It will not be easy, as I am already learning, but I truly believe that God created all of us FIRST and FOREMOST as humans...people... JUST people... with no masks. In fact, completely naked, we came out of the wombs of our mothers. No facade there.
And no more facade here. We'll see where it lands me.
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