Okay, so....
You're driving down the road, off in your happy place, and suddenly, it's like your eyes are opened and you have nooooo idea how you got to where you are. Your mind races.... "did I run any red lights??.... did I use my turn signal??.... did I cut anyone off??.....HOW did I get here????...... geez, I could have killed someone!!"
This is a scenerio I've heard people talk about many times, and there is always a repeated phrase, "I suddenly realized that I had no idea how I got there."
I am in such a place. Oh, don't worry, I haven't mowed down any pedestrians recently, and to my knowledge all the neighborhood pets are accounted for, but I am suddenly finding myself wondering how in the WORLD I got to where I am today.
I recently wrote a post called, "Identity in the Mask", in which I challenged myself and others to take off the masks and find out who is really underneath them. For a while now, I've been taking a long, embracing look at who I have become.... someone who changes to please people... a chameleon of sorts. As I peel off mask after mask, I continue to discover new religious rules I've subjected myself to, because I want to do what's right. The strange thing is, these rules I'm finding aren't necessarily things I hold deep in my convictions, but rather, rules that I have allowed people to oh-so-authoritatively place into my life.
I've become
IMMERSED IN CHURCHIANITY.
When I was young, I went to a Methodist church, but none of the kids my age had any interest in youth group or anything like that, and I was very frustrated, so I left. (It's so strange to look back and think that my desire to have something "more" led me down a path that ultimately landed me here.)
I went to the Church of Christ. Coming from the Methodist church, the Church of Christ people took it upon themselves to show me that I wasn’t “doing it right”, and so I morphed to the new religious rules.
I went to the Presbyterian Church. Again, not “doing it right”, so I morphed into theirs as well.
I went to the Baptist Church and knelt and did the whole “turn my life over to Jesus” thing(again). Shortly after my little “salvation” experience, some of the adults (I was only 16 at this time) thought I would make a good “look-out” for them while they had an affair. I was literally made (I knew it wasn’t right, but I was taught to be obedient to my elders) to sit in the car and make sure no one was coming while the two of them went into a house and, well, dot dot dot..... When they got busted, I ended up stuck in a meeting and was given another set of rules.
After that, I went into witchcraft, which I don’t talk much about, because people tend to freak out and feel the need to perform some sort of exorcism.
When I went to college, I entered even more of the churchianity world. I spent some time working my way out of witchcraft through the “guidance” of my Christian peers. Fine. Okay. Done with witchcraft, however, that guidance led me into a new set of rules. What music I was allowed to listen to, what clothes I had to wear, what books I could read, what words I had to say. And of course, since I was taught to be obedient, and have always been one who wants to do what’s right, I morphed again.
Then on to the Assembly of God church….new rules… strict rules…. WEIRD rules…. okay…. morph.
My next church was a “family-run” church. It was okay at first, but then, as I worked my way “up the ladder of approval,” I got more rules than ever. Despite the fact that I knew I was allowing myself to be controlled, I desperately wanted friends, I desperately wanted a place to belong, and, most importantly, I desperately wanted to do what was right. I stayed at that church for many years. During the last year I was there, some straaaange stuff was being taught (I won't go into it here, so if you really want to know, you'll have to ask me). I could not grasp it, I could not agree with it, and I questioned it.... a lot. That, combined with so many other aspects, well, let's just say that things ended on a not-so-pleasant note.
It broke me. Completely and totally broke me. I lost my ability to sing, which, for those of you who know me, is a pretty big deal. I lost my desire to be in church, but I went anyway because I knew it was right. I really even lost my desire to live, but I didn’t think I should give up on God because of what people had done to me, even though there were many times (and I still have those times) when I wanted to turn and walk away from Christianity, and the entire organized religion realm altogether.
So.... I joined yet another church, broken…. oh my gosh, SOOOO broken…. literally being held up by some friends, because I could not stand on my own feet. I spent about a year trying to get back up again, fighting to get my song back, fighting to find a reason for continuing to exist….still attempting to find out WHAT God wanted… WHO God wanted me to be. I thought I was safe. I thought I was in a place where I could figure things out…. discover whether or not I actually had a purpose at all. I started over….. but then.... I slowly began working my way “up the ladder of approval" AGAIN.
One would think that I possess enough intelligence to learn my lesson, however, this is apparently not the case in this instance, and I have discovered that I am right back where I started. I am finding that I allow myself to be controlled by what people think, rather than what God thinks. I become who people want me to be, because I want to do what’s right. Is it the fault of others? I'm still figuring that out, but I'm fairly certain I bear the weight of the responsibility here. The real issue… the heart of the matter… is finding worth. According to the rules, I have never had any worth... and for as long as I can remember, I have been a worthless piece of garbage.
And so…. here I sit. Morphed into this religious creature that has the ability to speak the language and be the puppet, but I have no worth as a person. I've followed the rules, and I've been obeident to PEOPLE, and the only thing that's done for me is show me that there is NOTHING good about me (and please, spare me the “all have sinned and come short” speech) and worth keeping or people wouldn’t always be trying to change me.
My friend and I have been chatting about some of this stuff, as she is going through much of the same thing, only she is many steps ahead of me. She dares to tell me that we have worth simply because we are created in God's image. That's it. It stops there. She doesn't say, we are created in God's image, but that's not quite enough, because the rules say we have to be something else. No religion. No high and mighty attitude. No ladder of approval. Just acceptance of God's creation.... because HE created it.
I can almost feel the bristling from some who would say that God has requirements of us as followers of Christ, and some things are NON-NEGOTIABLE. Okay, okay, settle down.... that may be true, however, unless we work out our own relationship with God, it really doesn't mean anything at all. It's nothing more than a pile of rules. How can the Holy Spirit be allowed to work with us personally when our religion is in the way?
I have to wonder how many people are buried under the laws and rules of churchianity, because someone said they weren't good enough. How many chameleons are out there doing what people say, being obedient to the rules, and finding themselves asking, "How in the WORLD did I get to where I am??"
I'm just curious, really, and I certainly don't claim to be right, or have all the answers. I do know that my relationship with God MUST belong to Him and me, not to Him, me and my 300 other bosses, or there's really no sense in having it at all. I still respect authority, as I should according to my convictions, and I always welcome insight and wisdom. However, I am learning, and will continue to (attempt to) be strong in that, if God and I are okay, then it really doesn't matter what other people think.
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