How Often Do You Invalidate People?

I've been thinking about psychological invalidation lately. I know... one marvels at the thought that I could be thinking......I'm usually so lighthearted, right? ;o)

Anyway....

It concerns me how many of us think we have authority over the feelings of others. Even more concerning, is how many of us RELINQUISH our feelings to others because of invalidating statements that are made to us when we express them.

Christians are especially notorious for demanding that we not pay attention to how we feel, as (*said in a very religious voice*) "feelings are not always TRUTH!!" For example, if you feel bad about yourself, many times you are told to quote scripture to magically change that feeling, rather than to find the root of it and allow God to truly "set you free."

It's weird. It's a weird concept. Don't deal with it. Just say these words and they will make it go away. Yeah.....weird.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe God can transform your mind through His Word (among other things), but that's when HE is allowed to walk you through it, not when you're going through the systematic method that Christians have set up for you. I'm also not completely sold on psychoanalysis and all the "solutions" it provides, but it does bear some credibility in the fact that it lets you be....*GASP!*.... human.

Sooooo..... what does all this mean? Nothing, really. I'm just thinking. Hopefully, after you've read this, if you even make it to the end, you will be thinking, too. That's it. Just think about it.


THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT FROM EQI.ORG ...... A VERY INTERESTING WEBSITE

Examples of invalidating expressions.
Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself
Stop taking everything so personally


Ordering You to "Look" Differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.


Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen


Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable.


Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?


Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you.


Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....


Debating
I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)


Judging & Labeling You
You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk.
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.


Turning Things Around
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.


Trying to Get You to Question Yourself
What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?


Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.


Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.


Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)


Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?


Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?


Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.


Talking About You When You Can Hear It
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.


Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.


Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It
Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago.
You should be over that by now.


Explanations
Maybe it is because...
That is because
Of course, because you.... (This one hurts four ways. First, the "of course" minimizes what you feel, second the "because" explains what you feel, as if explaining it nullifies the feeling, third the "you" blames you and fourth, blaming you is a form of attack which is likely to make you feel either defensive or guilt-tripped or both.)

I Will Try Harder.... Will You?

The other day, my friend was driving me back to work after lunch and we got stopped at one of the downtown stoplights. I happened to glance across the street and I saw this lady I know heading down the sidewalk in her electric wheelchair. I thought, "oh, I know her," and didn't really think much about it until I realized that her chair wasn't really moving forward. As I gave it a more concentrated look, I realized that she was stuck, because the sidewalk hadn't been shoveled very well after the recent snow.

I said to my friend, "Awww....she's stuck!!" Neither one of us could do anything about it, as we were in the middle of downtown traffic. There was a guy walking towards her, clutching a McDonald's cup, and as we drove away in the cluster of busy vehicles, I hoped he would at least kick some of the snow out of the way, so she could go on with her day.

I have to wonder if she felt angry....hurt.... left to fend for herself, maybe? Did she, at that moment, or does she constantly wonder if anyone cares enough about her to make a little extra effort? How many times a day does she encounter similar situations? These questions, among others, went storming through my head like a monstrous tornado, sucking up my thoughts and spinning them about wildly. As the debris of imagination floated to the floor of my mind, I began picking up the pieces of my own story.

You see, at about this time five months ago, my mother and my best friend were in my room at St. Mary's Hospital playing Cribbage, while I was sound asleep recovering from back surgery . A "simple" surgery had turned out to be very complicated, and kept me in the process for about eight hours. From that day forward, my life hasn't been the same.

Because of the severity of the ruptured disc in my back, my sciatic nerve was badly crushed. During surgery, they had to manipulate the nerve to get to the rupture, thus making it "angry", and only partially functional. They expect it to regenerate and be normal again, but according to the books, you only get one millimeter of growth back per day. My right leg is numb from the knee down to the tips of my toes..... I now have a disability.

I wear a brace on my leg to help my foot work, and to keep my ankle from turning since my muscles aren't currently working. It has slowed me down significantly, and has had an effect everything in my life and daily routines. I even had to go out and buy new shoes several sizes too big to fit the stupid thing. I walk slower, I get up and down slower, and I won't even go into the three ring circus act I perform while putting on and taking off those clown shoes.

I dread hearing words like, hurry, quickly, and I get especially self conscious when someone invites me into their home, as I know it's an unwritten rule in Minnesota that you must remove your shoes at the door, lest you track mud and snow everywhere you step. I CAN'T hurry. I CAN'T go quickly. It's not that I don't want to.... I just CAN'T.

I was recently in a play in which two scenes required some of us cast members to serve tea and cakes to the audience. At the exact cue, several of us were to go QUICKLY over to the tea service station, grab our trays and move SWIFTLY back to get the job done. I started out very far away from the service station, but soon discovered that I couldn't get back through the crowd fast enough and was getting run over by those who had two working legs.

I moved myself closer to the "middle" of the scene so I would have a little more time, but still got shouldered and bumped, as I was not moving fast enough. Not only was I getting hurt by bodies ramming into me as they whisked by, but I was hurting myself by forcing my own body to move quickly before it was completely healed.

I adjusted again, and placed myself at the very back of the scene. I was then able to get mostly out of the way until the last minute when three or four able bodies would cut me off and throw me off balance just before I reached the service station.

Finally, I surrendered and removed myself from the scene completely, so that I would have time to grab a tray of teacups and get out of the way of the rushing crowd.

So.... why am I writing about this?

I'll tell you why. I am willing to put money down on the table that not one single person involved in those tea serving scenes even realized what was happening, or how I was getting hurt because they were in such a rush. Likewise, I would lay down another ten dollars to bet that whoever shoveled the sidewalk the other day probably didn't give a single thought to someone in an electric wheelchair getting stuck.

When you stop by the store after work to grab something for supper, because you have a meeting or a recital or a church service or a concert or a school event or a........... *sigh*.....

......how many people do you plow down in the process? How many times do you lose patience because someone in front of you is moving too slow and they are IN YOUR WAY!!...? Do you ever think that whooshing past them could possibly throw them off balance, or further injure a delicate wound?

And how many times in that same store do you see people in wheelchairs, with canes, crutches, arm braces, neck braces, leg braces....... and stop to help them, NOT in the name of feeling sorry for them, but just because they are worth your time?

Or....... ARE they.... worth... your.... time.....?

In our society, we are in a hurry. We try to cram 38 hours of appointments into a 24 hour day, and our stores are jammed with as many items as we can fit and still not break the fire codes. I need to do this. I need to do that. I don't have time. I don't have patience. I just can't be bothered. I have my own life to worry about......

In the meantime, people, the PEOPLE we are supposed to care about, are...... they are..... drowning in our wake. The PEOPLE like the wheelchair lady are getting stuck in the snow because we didn't care enough to shovel it so she could get through. The PEOPLE driving the little carts at Wal-mart can't get through the clothing aisles because the racks are too close together. Oh, my friends, this can't be right. We are kicking them while they're down and we don't even know it!

I'm sorry. I am so sorry. To all the PEOPLE I've mowed over in my own hurry, I'm sorry. To all the PEOPLE who have gotten hurt, felt abandoned, left to fend for themselves, I'm so sorry. I will try harder to see you.... to SEE you..... to imagine what it's like to be in your shoes..... to think about something other than my busy schedule..... I will.

I hope all of us will..............try harder...................................